Every false dream has to end, but we should not turn our backs to the possibility that the next dream is the true one...
Fairy Tale Ending
When I was young and the world was new
I dreamed of fairy tales and light
I knew that magic was for real
And I waited for my knight
Now the seasons turn, as they often do
And I find myself walking away from you
Tell me please, what do I dream of now?
What do you dream of when your dream dies?
Who do you wait for when your knight lies
Rusting in the rain?
Cry those lonely tears
As you remember the years
When the dream was alive
I was fourteen on that fateful day
When I first set eyes on you
And was seventeen that afternoon
When that dreamed of kiss came true
Now the seasons turn, as they often do
And I find myself walking away from you
Tell me please, what do I dream of now?
What do you dream of when your dream dies?
Who do you wait for when your knight lies
Rusting in the rain?
Cry those lonely tears
As you remember the years
When the dream was alive
But all lonely bitter tear drops
My shadowed eyes can cry
Can’t ever change the fact
That my “I love you” is a lie
So the seasons turn as life is due
And I turn to walk away from you
Know that I’ll find a new dream now
What do you dream of when your dream dies?
Who do you wait for when your knight lies
Rusting in the rain?
Cry those lonely tears
As you remember the years
When the dream was alive
Cry those lonely tears
But forget your fears
Because an new dream will survive.
I thought I knew what being in love felt like, once, and maybe it was love but I know what I feel now eclipses everything that came before. It didn't happen all at once, or maybe it did but I wasn't ready to see it, to feel it, back when we first met. My heart was bleeding so I walled it off. Eventually as I began to tear down those walls I didn't notice it slowly seeping in through the cracks, becoming part of my very being. I didn't realize it until it was too late. At least, so I thought. So I told myself to keep quiet, that I had missed my chance, and really I deserved it for jerking his heart around for the past three years. We could continue on as the closest of friends. He knew all my secrets, so why I thought I could keep this one I don't know. I liked her too, this girl he was with, and he seemed happy enough. Tough shit, I said, you can cut out this feeling, you've done it before. But even the thought of cutting him out that much hurt, even though I didn't want to be in the way. I was doing well too, keeping my silence, until when the smoke had curled through blood enough that I felt my control slipping I fled to the safety of my bedroom. He followed me there, that night, as he always did and in that darkened hallway my secret escaped on an exhale of smoke. "I love you." What was said cannot be unsaid. Not something like this. Three words to turn lives upside down. Some for the better, and some for the worse. There is guilt for the pain cause, and sorrow for the time lost, but there is no regret. Not for a love like this. I always dreamed of that perfect fairy tale love; to find someone that completes you.
I thought I found it once, for a while anyways, but there were aspects of myself that I could never share with him and that wasn't the way it was supposed to be at all. I told myself eventually that love like that, the finish-each-other's-sentences-I-know-your-soul type of love, didn't really exist in life. It was just an artistic ideal in stories, and I was only setting myself up for disappointment. Because really, even if there was someone like that, why would he be interested in me? What did I have to offer other than a head fully of silly stories and daydreams? I never thought of myself as ugly, but I never really considered myself pretty. I thought it easier to keep my feelings in daydreams and I could always settle for someone if the loneliness got unbearable. I closed my mind to the possibility of love actually occurring so well that when it walked into my life I took one look at it and ran the other direction. I knew even then, I think, what he would be to me. I could hardly believe it was real and I knew I didn't deserve it. So I ran. I am good at running away from things that scare me. I do it all the time even if I never move. He just waited until I got tired of running and came back exhausted and ready to work with him. It makes me think of the way you tame a wild horse, and he did it so well I didn't realize it was even happening.
It's new, this relationship, and it's not at the same time. People chastise me for thinking of the future, of planning a life together already, but it really is like they say; when it's the right one, the right time, you just know. They can say what they like. I know where I stand now. I am done running. I'm scared, terrified of losing this fragile, new happiness, but my mind is clear. I won't let my fear ruin this for me. I will fight anyone who tries to destroy this, and for me that mostly means fighting myself. It's never an easy thing to do, except for him, it is easy. Or maybe the fierce joy of love so thoroughly eclipses any hardship that it seems that way. So that childish hope; one day I really would find the right one, that I wrote down years ago at the end of that first taste of love. It did come true. I want to tell her, the girl that I was, that she was right not to give up hope, no matter how much pain it caused her. In the end, it was worth it. I want her to know that he is worth all the pain that would follow and all the pain that preceded it. I can't, and though it all turned out alright in the end for me, I know that for others it might not. I share this to say don't give up hope. Maybe someone will listen and maybe they won't, but it needs to be said none the less. "I love you." Three words to change a lifetime. Truth can be more profound than even fiction can lead you to believe.
